finding love.

by marie Posted on November 4, 2011

In 2009 I was entering a really strange period of my life. I was six months out of high school, jobless, avoiding my college applications, living with my mother and her brand new husband, and generally making a mess of my late teenager years. Two years later my life may not look drastically different – but it is.

Two years ago I was lost – lost in every sense of the word that a person can be. I had ended a relationship and began a new one in remarkably quick succession (thank god that new relationship ended up being the one I would keep). I had also left a job, left a city, and left a father. And while I returned to some of those things (albeit a new job and a more stable father-daughter relationship) up until recently I still didn’t feel like I had a firm grasp on things in my life.

As blessed as I am in so many ways I still felt like I was missing that crucial piece of the puzzle – that thing that’s meant to fill you up with light and laughter and center you amidst all the chaos of the world. Ive been wanting to feel that way for so long now but it turns out I had it all along and I just didn’t quite get it.

Back in 2009 was when I first read this post by Steve Pavlina. I didn’t get it. There wasn’t anything I could put on a piece of paper that was going to make me cry. It didn’t make sense to me. But in the last few weeks I’ve learned something about myself. I’ve learned that sometimes I need to be shown how much I care about something before I really understand that I do in fact care about it.

So a few weeks ago I started writing again – a book, that is. And somehow all the pieces are falling in place this time. Maybe it’s that I got the story right this time, or the fact that I’ve learned new things about teeny tiny steps or that I have new routines in place that keep me going and reminders to not get frustrated. Whatever it is, it’s working and I feel like I’m doing what it is I’m supposed to be doing – but I didn’t realize that, not at first.

It wasn’t until I was watching a movie, a biography on one of my favorite authors, that showed what she had been through before her book was published and while she was writing it that I realized how invested I am in my work.

It took the tears running down my cheeks as I watched the cinematic version of my childhood hero be told that if what she wanted to do was write then that’s what she should do, for me to understand that this work, this book, what I’m doing right now – is the only thing I’ve ever loved like this and the only work that I will ever love like this. It made me think back to that article by Steve Pavlina that I read sitting on my mothers bed, while I tried to understand how anyone could feel that way about their work- and I got it. I got what it means to want something so badly, to be so entrenched, involved, and engrossed in your work that you can’t imagine doing anything else for the rest of your life.

I guess that up until now I just didn’t know how much I loved it.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

home life.

by marie Posted on October 14, 2011

My apartment right now: pretty much a disaster.

We just moved into a new building which is great because it has lots of wonderful things we were looking for. Namely, more space, (we actually have a living room now – a whole room without a bed or a stove in it!) as well as newer appliances, air conditioning (a necessity here in SLC) and better parking. It also gives me a little opportunity to go all stir-crazy with the decorating. Except right now I’m sort of in limbo with all of it because our landlord hasn’t told us whether or not we can paint. And since every wall of our place is the same shade of salmon/taupe pink (and I am NOT buying furniture to match that) I’m sort of stuck doing little projects until I can make big decisions like…what color the couch should be. (yay!)

So lately I’ve been meandering around the city looking for new friends in the form of lovely little pieces of furniture I can take home. So far I’ve been pretty successful and I have more than just a few little projects going on. A bar table we’re refinishing and painting, a bookcase that’s turning white, a desk I set up, and even a kitchen table that we’re building by hand from old barn wood I bought.

It turns out there’s something incredibly satisfying about literally building a home for yourself. Obviously I’m not building my apartment complex but I am, at the very least, putting some real creative energy into the things that are coming into my home and I really believe that has an effect on the environment of our new place.I figure it’s the equivalent of eating candy as opposed to a really good home-cooked meal. You get a rush from eating candy (or buying a new piece of furniture) but then it wears off quickly and you get bored and go looking for your next fix. But when you take the time to make something by hand (or cook a really good, healthy meal) you get to appreciate the slowness of it, the care that was put into it, and it sort of becomes a part of you. From then on whenever you look at it you get to remember the time and effort you spent on it and it’s not just a piece of furniture anymore – it’s a memory, an experience, and it changes the way you view it.

I wonder if our world isn’t turning towards things like this more. Perhaps we’re moving away from big factories and mass produced furniture back towards the individuality of it all- the uniqueness, and the slowness that comes with individual people making unique things for our world. I can’t say for sure whether or not this is a trend or something more long term but for now it’s lovely to see people using ‘antiquated’ ideas and vintage styles of things in their lives. I have especially fallen in love with rustic themed weddings. I could stay on pinterest all day looking at those.

So even though the apartment is quite a mess things are definitely coming along. Boyfriend, who is amazing, has helped paint the front room and the hallway – along with help from little brother (who was bribed with pizza) and he even painted the ceiling and did the trim all on his own. Clearly I’m the luckiest girl ever. He’s also been a huge resource when it comes to the power tools and spray painting furniture white – which is actually quite difficult. Basically I’d still be living out of boxes if it weren’t for him. But today I will be setting up the living room, hopefully organizing things, and praying that nothing still has wet paint on it. Pictures to come soon!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

new habits.

by marie Posted on September 21, 2011

Small recap of the day:

loved:

-how sweet boyfriend was kind enough to get out of bed at my panicked insistence to dispose of the giant moth that was flinging itself around my bathroom like it had PMS this morning. moth. you don’t get the pms excuse to be in my bathtub. me only.

-the anyonymous coworker who left my heater on for me this morning so it was all toasty and lovely when I came in to work. points for you!

-rummaging through the kitchen for a snack to find that boyfriend had bought MY favorite chips and cookies when he went grocery shopping. what a sweetie.

-afternoon naps in the sunshine. even though this makes me a lazy bum.

…not so much:

-finding ANOTHER moth in the sink when I got home which refused to be flushed down the drain by any means.

-realizing that someone (*ahem* BOYFRIEND) had clogged the toilet again and left it to ‘work itself out’ as he says it does. which means I have to cross my fingers, squint my eyes, and stand on one foot while I flush it praying that it did somehow magically fix itself. because that’s how you get toilets to work don’t ‘cha know.

-realizing that today is not friday – no no – it’s wednesday. sigh.

-some sneaky person buying a camera I wanted before I could get to it. darn it sneaky person. I really wanted that!

I’ve been thinking a lot today about habits. Good habits, bad habits, new ones and old ones. This is partially because of this awesome post from Zenhabits. Which is a ridiculously brilliant site if there ever was one. It’s about a webinar that’s going down and in explaining it Leo (the main writer of said awesomely awesome blog) pretty much summed up how I’m feeling about all my own personal habits. I’m also thinking a lot about habits because boyfriend and I just moved into a new apartment and this one is much bigger and lovely and I don’t want to mess it up with all of my unorganizedness. Yep. That’s a word.

I also want to be more productive because, like I said before, I’m changing my life in lots of little ways. Things like eating healthier, a new running regimen, getting back on track with my writing, lots and lots of new fun projects, and developing some new things that I love. Along with all of this I’m spending time decorating my new apartment and where’s the fun in having a gorgeous apartment if you can’t really see it beneath all the clutter? So developing new habits I think is going to be really key when it comes to all these changes. Yay for changes!

A couple of the first and most obvious things I want to change are the amount of time boyfriend and I spend on the computer/tv. The computer is mostly my deal as I can spend DAYS on pinterest or online shopping. But we both have tendency to eat in our bedroom and we almost always have the tv on at night while eating/going to bed. This, I do believe, needs to go away.

I want to create a better environment for our home, for our life together, and having the tv on every night is not only a huge distraction it also prevents us from talking more (not that we don’t talk all the time – we talk each others ears off on car rides and dinner dates) which I am definitely not ok with. Plus if the tv wasn’t on all the time we might eat in the kitchen (like grown-ups) and it would force us to stay occupied until we’re ready to go to bed at the end of the night. Occupied as in ‘doing stuff’. Like oh, I don’t know, THE DISHES. Yep.

As far as the computer thing goes my new goal is to not be on the laptop without a clear designated purpose in mind. Like right now, for example, (I know this is just super fascinating to everyone who isn’t me) I am going to finish this blog post, check out Facebook’s new changes (because apparently they suck), do a twitter update, find a recipe involving massive amounts of nectarines (because there are massive amounts of them in my fridge threatening to go bad) and then I am off. Off I tell you. Becaaaaaause I am an adult and I do responsible, productive, adulty things. Like dishes.

So new habits are where it’s at and I am determined to make them work for me. I just hope boyfriend warms up the ‘significantly less tv’ idea as much as I have.

Posted in beginnings, changes | Leave a comment

hmpf.

by marie Posted on September 20, 2011

This part of my life is called frustration.

It’s frustrating to see things that you want and know that you don’t have them. It’s also frustrating to see things you want and know that if you decided you simplycannotlivewithoutthem -it’s going to take you and your bum a lot of hard, painful, work. And not the fun kind of work that’s all killer grit your teeth drums and triumphant violin solos. Nope. The kind that no one sees and you don’t get rewarded for doing for a very long time.

But maybe that’s ok. Maybe that kind of work is the kind that changes you into a better human being. And maybe that’s what some of us (yours truly) really need to work on.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

working for the man.

by marie Posted on September 19, 2011

Today is Monday and since Monday is the beginning of the work week I think today is a good day to talk about jobs. Not just about jobs and how we all have them (and most of us dislike them) but also the very concept of work and what it means to our daily lives.

I am one of those people who doesn’t particularly like work. At least not work in any typical sense of the word. I’ve never been very good at taking direction, I’m always quick to ask why exactly I have to do something or go somewhere that I don’t want to, and I don’t do well sitting at a desk for many hours of the day. Especially if that desk is in a cold, stark, windowless basement. Which mine just so happens to be.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m really grateful for my job. My job lets me live in a beautiful apartment, drive a safe, newer, reliable car (which, braggy braggerson here, also has nifty things like an ipod jack and air-con – both of which are essential to marie being a sane, reasonable person) and it supports my lifestyle far more generously then most college age girls are accustomed to. I can eat out when I want. I can spend money on really nice makeup. I can even take small trips here and there with boyfriend. I’m certainly not living the starving college student lifestyle by any means. In fact my standard of living is most commonly found belonging to someone approaching thirty – not someone who’s just turned twenty-one like little old me. So trust me – I know how lucky I am to be so self-sufficient at such a young age.

The thing is though, when I’m sitting in a dingy basement, freezing my butt off, I don’t feel all that lucky. I know that may come across as rather selfish and inconsiderate – especially when you think about all the people in the world that don’t have running water, let alone a job, but just having the basic necessities (and the opportunity to slave away working for them) isn’t living.

I’m pretty sure that people, as a general species, are not meant to be kept in small gray boxes. We’re meant to be outside in the sunlight, communicating with people that we love and care about, and – most importantly – doing creative work that we are passionate about. And here’s the deal. I work at a hospital and while I am passionate about health and fitness and improving people’s lives through their physical health I am decidedly not interested in doing paperwork all day to support drug companies that keep people sick. Nuh uh – no way. The downer is that’s pretty much what I do all day.

However, that being said, I am working towards a better, brighter future for myself. I have ideas and motivations and I’m making an effort to put my new ‘small steps’ mentality to work here when it comes to creating my own little dream work/life. I know these things will take time. But I’m changing my life. And I’m willing to wait patiently until it looks just how I want it to.

Posted in work | Leave a comment

new things.

by marie Posted on September 18, 2011

I have this tendency, I think I get it from my father, to look ahead to the final stage of things before I’ve even begun them. It’s like envisioning myself completing the Boston Marathon before I’ve even unearthed my old running shoes. I’m a looker in that way. Always standing on the tips of my toes trying to see the prize without waiting for things to get under way. Sometimes it’s a convenient habit – like when I’m pushing myself to get through something painful or difficult. Most of the time it’s not.

This kind of looking forward usually puts me in the space of seeing exactly how far away I am from the end result I want, of noticing how many little things stand between here and there. And frankly, all that noticing becomes rather paralyzing. Instead of focusing on that finish line I see every single step before I get to it. Every single hard run, every sore muscle, and every ounce of pain that must be endured. And when that’s all that you’re able to see – it makes it pretty hard to get started with anything at all. So before I’ve even thrown on those old running shoes or filled up my water bottle I’ve already seen the end of the race, unconsciously decided I won’t be able to make it there, and defeated my own ambitious idea without ever having begun moving towards it.

The wisest people of our world have always told us to slow down, breathe, and enjoy the journey. I am not predisposed to any of this. I run towards things at full speed, barely notice the trail as I’m so fixed on the peak of the mountain, and when I breathe it’s either tensed, tightly, and barely at all or in great gasping gulps as I finally admit I’ve pushed myself too far, too fast – as always.

So slowing down is something I’m working on. I don’t mean in the literal sense of just laying around and doing nothing but more in the metaphoric sense of understanding that everything doesn’t have to be done, accomplished, and succesful rightthissecond. It’s more about me realizing that the small steps that get me to where I want to be are actually the most important thing – not the final destination itself.

And because of all that I’m writing again, right here. This blog doesn’t have a clever title or a cutesy marketing gimmick and it doesn’t have a long term plan. My crazy side wants to come out and play with it – giving it names, plans, goals, long term futures and a whole host of other things it doesn’t need. That side of me wants to know who will be reading this, will it go anywhere, will I get anything from it? What does it mean, this blog, these words? What good is it?! Because surely it couldn’t be worth anything if it doesn’t give me something in the end (or preferably right now!)

But the crazy has got it all backwards (as she usually does). I want to write here not to be given to but to give. I want to create and learn and explore and have a place to put all that down, to record it and see how far I’ve come on the other side. I want just one small part of my life that doesn’t have plans and expectations placed on it – and it’s a real struggle for me not to do that. To just let it be and to let whatever it is be ok.

Plans and expectations aren’t always a bad thing. They help us filter out the rest of the world and decide what kind of person it is we want to be. But they only create the image, the idea. We have to do the actual work – the small steps – that take us where we want to go. There are things in my life that I want to change. Almost everyone has something they want to be different but it only seems to work if that want comes from a place of quietness. So often I find myself pulled in a thousand different directions to find that because of all that pulling I haven’t actually moved at all. Small steps, in one direction, are the only way to go, the only way to create the kind of change I want.

So more than anything I want what I write here to be an accurate measure of change. I want to put down words that show the very depth and honesty of who I am and be able to come back to them farther down the road with a greater sense of clarity. I want to see who I was and who I’ve become and what made the changes possible. Because if we aren’t always reaching for new things, new experiences – if we aren’t always changing for the better then we aren’t really living. And living is something I believe we all want to do more of.

Posted in beginnings | Leave a comment